Grief

As with any emotion, grief can come in a moment or over the course of years. As humans, we find ways of coping: some with positive outcomes & some with negative outcomes. I have a choice each moment of how I will cope. Some positive coping is being real with my grief and allowing its due in my whole person, laying all my sorrows at the feet of Jesus, planting flowers with my hands in the dirt, writing down a thankfulness in the midst of my grief, exercising to remove toxins and feel physically a bit stronger, doing a kindness for another person, pouring over God’s words to me in the Bible, journalling, cleaning the house etc.

And let’s face it, I have a choice to cope with negative outcomes like denial, numbing out by watching movies or scrolling through social media, drinking alcohol or using other substances to dull the pain, eating an unhealthy amount of ice cream or bag of potato chips thoughtlessly, displacing my frustration and sadness on the driver of the vehicle who cut me off or worse, displacing all that frustration and sadness on a loved one or on God.

In this moment, we coped by setting our sights on getting out of the house…finding a river. As we lumbered to the car, I knew I needed nourishment for my body first. A woman with a warm smile greeted me at Firehouse Sub and asked how my day was going. “Shitty,” I replied quietly. She said she’d hoped the food would make it better. “Food can only do so much,” my quiet response with a weak smile. Once out of Salem, Oregon we endure the half an hour of charred conifers from the brutal fires of 2020. Burned. Yep, once again we too have been burned. Driving through the dead matchstick remains, there is new life. But today, I just don’t want to see it. On the other side of the scorched area, we find that shady spot near the Santiam River. No one is on the rocky shore, so we plop down our chairs, our lunch, our books, my Puffs tissues, and we sit by the rushing water. We cry. We sit with our grief. And the river makes it tolerable. I look down among the rocks, and I see the heart shaped stone I had hoped for. But in another reminder of life…it has a hole of a crater in it. Not all the way thru, but as you can see from the picture, it’s left quite the impression. Nothing will make today better. Food provides sustenance so I don’t get hangry. The river and shade provide quiet and grounding of thoughts and meaning. Friends’ words provide the knowledge that we are not alone. Scripture provides comfort. Songs provide praise no matter the circumstance. Jesus provides His presence. But nothing will make today better. And I guess I don’t really want anything to. My heart is breaking. My sadness over the complex circumstances that brought us to this day is deep.

We don’t live in a culture that visually shows we’re mourning. Dressing all in black used to symbolize someone was experiencing loss. Now black is a style whether it’s in a little black dress, goth attire, or workout clothes. Historically in times of war, people wore a black band around their arm to signify their loss. If we had a visual representation, the woman at Firehouse Sub wouldn’t have asked in a pleasant voice how my day was going. She’d have noticed, I was grieving. I don’t want to smile today just because our performance-based society thinks I should. Maybe we should have stickers for all kinds of emotions for others to see. This color sticker dot universally means I am happy or sad or disappointed or agitated or content or mourning or… I think it might free all of us to just be authentic in the moment. If someone is wearing a light green sticker dot, I’d observe contentment in the moment although a little lower on their shirt is a fire red dot signifying a bit of anger. The movie “Inside Out” comes to mind as emotions competed inside one tween because of her challenging circumstances. Colored stickers are too simple or perhaps would become too complex to display how we are doing. Somehow though, we do need to grant each other permission and accept that at any given moment each might be carrying, struggling and have competing emotions. Today, I’d be dressed in mourning stickers and clothes if such a thing existed.

We hung a sign on our front door…

I think everyone has an impression of their grief embedded in them. Circumstances bring loss and heartache for each of us. I think we forget that as we journey thru our days next to other people. Today is a day that reminds me of how fragile each of us are at moments in life. Even though we aren’t visually wearing our emotions, let’s be thoughtful that we each have moments, days, weeks, months, years of grief inside.