Some moments in life won’t be forgotten. Often, we celebrate those unforgettable experiences either by smiling in our hearts each time the moment enters our minds or we celebrate milestones: first visit to what will become a favorite location, birthdays commemorating the miracle of life, first jobs remembered with fondness, or one’s faith experience encountering the abundant grace in Jesus Christ.
But then…there are moments in life that won’t be forgotten but can’t be celebrated either. What do we do with those experiences?
This Sunday, March 1st will mark the “anniversary” of us losing a daughter, who would have been named Ameenah Joy-meaning felt safety, trustworthy, and joy as her countenance. Volumes have been written about grief from those who’ve studied our human nature and from those who’ve experienced it firsthand. I’ll be honest, I don’t have a clue how to commemorate loss. I’ve lost grandparents whom I’ve adored-my childhood memories are dripping with sweet happy times with them. So when I think of them, I remember joy but feel loss of their absence.
Disappointment whether through a broken heart from humans acting selfishly, circumstances stacked against us, dreams left unfulfilled, or personal health deteriorating...how do we grieve those times? How do we grieve complicated hurts when by nature we want to protect ourselves?
Many quote that “time heals”. Well…not often and certainly not completely on its own.
If time has passed and a wound is just under the surface-many of us just let it alone-who has time to deal and seek healing? When Jesus learned a man who’d been paralyzed for 38 years was sitting in faith next to potentially healing waters, Jesus asked him, “Do you want to get well?” What a shocking question…of course the man did! I haven’t sat in faith for 38 years for my pain to be healed. Adoption pain has been a decade and Lyme pain has been less than that. But am I willing to faithfully wait for healing? Do I want to put in the time, emotion, prayers, and trust? Do I want to make Immanuel room to unpack all that pain has caused, all the repercussions to me, my family and my community?
I think we equate healing with forgetting. Sometimes we want to forget that disappointment, season of life, person or event. But healing should holistically remember the hurt, the pain, and be free of its power over us. Many times this past year, I’ve wanted to forget. Forget that I have ultrasound pictures of a daughter God brought into my life, of a birth mother I met, ate with, cared for, and listened to share her difficult life story. I want to forget her promises and manipulation and move on from pain. I want to help my teenage daughter forget, live, and dream on without the pain. I want my teenage son to not be numb from life’s hurts. I want my husband to allow emotions to flood so they can be experienced. Honestly, I’d rather not sit faithfully trusting despite my pain, shame and deficiencies. Do I want to get well? Yes! Jesus swoop in and heal, so we can arise out of that which has us stuck.
When we moved from Pennsylvania to Oregon, we had difficult decisions to make. One of which was, take all her baby clothes, gifts, precious notes from loved ones, cloth diapers and car seat with us or leave it all behind. Since I was 8 years old, I was called to adopt. The calling didn’t end with this failed domestic adoption. But part of me wanted it to. Since 2010, we have pursued adoption domestically and internationally and have met heartache again and again and again. So last year and quite frankly many days recently, I wish the pain would end or the numbness would end or the confusion would end, and I’d forget and move on. Sometimes, I wish we’d left all those things behind in Pennsylvania.
Often, healing from a loss involves forgiveness. Forgiveness of someone who did us wrong or forgiveness of self for all the things we possibly could have done to prevent loss and pain. I hate the expression to forgive and forget. I think we are meant to remember so that the forgiveness is all the more powerful and intentional.
So how will we commemorate the loss we experienced? I tried to read my adoption journal, but I closed it. Beneficial? It certainly didn’t feel like it. It felt like I was choosing pain for pain’s sake, not for healing’s sake. What we experienced felt like partial kidnapping and partial death of a daughter. I don’t have memories with her to provide comfort. I still struggle to forgive the deception of an adoption agent, an attorney and the birth mother. Do these 3 people continue to have power over me and my family? I hope not. But when I see those names pop up in my phone or listen as a family member with raw pain exclaim “I don’t want to talk about them”, I wonder how much healing we’ve done. I wonder how much forgiveness we’ve done.
So…..perhaps we will commemorate the loss with continued forgiveness and praise. Perhaps the way to heal is to remember that God grieved with us. As I sobbed and wailed on our bedroom floor in the months preceding the final rejection from the birth mother, He was there. The Holy Spirit comforted me in the agony of loss and bewilderment of humankind’s cruelty. And Jesus is healing us still. Perhaps on March 1st we’ll acknowledge our loss by thanking God for abiding with us. Perhaps on March 1st we’ll heal by remembering every person’s prayers for the little one and her birth mother. For those of you who prayed for them and us, cried, embraced, listened, and cared for us last year-we remember you and how we were immensely loved. We acknowledge the beautiful people in our life who loved us through loss.
Thanks be to God and thanks to all of you.
Comments